Really? A Zombie AU?
by Agent Dragicorn
Summary: CRACK FIC. Breaking some fourth wall shit here. "Of all things, why did we pick the Zombie AU?"


**Author's Note**

 **This is pure crack. Just an idea I've been toying around with for a while in my head. I'm not entirely satisfied with how it turned out but oh well. Maybe I'll write another.**

 **Huge thanks to Woofemus/floopers, pasdechat, silversheath and jstonedd for letting me use your fics in the reference! Everyone please read their works, it's all super awesome. You won't regret it.**

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Two left.

That's all she had. Two more bullets.

Eli ran even faster, even quieter. Their moans were creeping steadily towards her and she knew that they had already picked up on her trail. All she could do was pray that she could outrun them.

 _Just another 300 metres or so,_ she chanted in her head. Once she got past the wall, she would be safe. With renewed vigour, Eli tightened her grip on her sack of loot and sped up.

Her eyes detected a flash of _something_ from her right and Eli acted on impulse. The sound of gunfire rang through the semi still air, reverberating through the false emptiness. The body fell to the ground with a thud. She didn't stay to ascertain if it was a creeper or human; they were pretty much the same to her now. Louder moans ensued and the sound of shuffling grew more urgent. Eli cursed as she estimated a group of possibly more than 3 coming after her.

 _200 more._

She willed her tired legs to go even faster, lactic acid burning her muscles. The rest of them had better thank her profusely for the loot this time. Not only had she managed to find more food, she also stumbled upon something that would definitely help them live: a water purifier. The pipes could finally be put to good use now.

 _100 left._

Eli broke into a dead run. The wall was getting taller with each step she took. Her sanctuary was almost within reach.

Naturally, a stray creeper chose to appear just at this moment. It leapt towards her and, unable to stop from the momentum, Eli brandished her cutlass, cleaving the head off with a clean swipe. The undead body slammed into her, the collision forcing her onto the ground.

 _Shit. Just less than 50 away._

Even as she scrambled to her feet as quickly as possible, she knew the group had already caught up to her. Their incessant moans grew more desperate and if the undead could have emotions, Eli was sure they would have sounded gleeful. 4 zombies broke into a grotesque limp-run towards her and she tightened her grip on the hilt. Using her gun would be too dangerous now; any noise could mean even more coming her way and that was the last thing she needed.

 _Nozomi's spiritual power would be really useful now,_ she thought sardonically.

With that, she charged forward, a small part of her hoping that her goddess of a girlfriend would bestow some divine protection onto her.

"And... cut! We'll take ten!" Nico bellowed through her loudspeaker.

Eli slumped down as she burrowed her head in her hands, sighing.

"Of all things, why did we pick the zombie AU? And why am I the brave one that goes out to venture for supplies?" Eli lamented, exhausted from all the action.

"That's a good point. Considering Elichi is afraid of the dark, there's no way she can _not_ be afraid of zombies," Nozomi quipped from the side, ignoring the flustered glare directed towards her by a certain stubborn blonde.

"Don't ask me, I didn't write the fanfic. Also, because this one actually involves us all somewhat equally. We've done too much romance. It's time for some action!"

"You're just saying that because you actually get a good role this time round. All you have to do is shoot. Some of us _apparently_ only use knives," Maki irritably countered, grasping the dual rapiers for her role.

"Like I said, why didn't we just pick something else? We had enough action the last one. Maki, Umi and I were assassins!"

"That's the thing, there was too much romance for Umi to handle. We kept having to cut because she wouldn't do _anything_ with Kotori, not even a small kiss," Nico pointedly stared at the troublemaker.

"It's just too... indecent! How am I ever going to get married at this rate!"

"Technically it's fine since you're already married to me in that one," Kotori grinned, mock innocently.

"Umi, you've done a whole story whereby you were her guardian. You literally kind of died for Kotori's sake," Honoka pointed out.

Most of them thought that after that one fanfic, Umi would be comfortable with any other romantic stories with Kotori. After all, it was such a classic. With all the breakdowns Umi had had during that one - filling the atmosphere with complaints of how every action was too embarrassing - they had all figured that she had overcome the awkward shyness. Guess they were wrong, though.

"It's not just that! Don't you remember the changing room drabble? Or that drabble where Kotori and I watched a movie together? It's all too much!" Umi ranted as she clutched her bow tighter. "And not just that! Why do I have to be paired with Honoka at times too!"

"You know what they say about our fandom: as long as there's more than one person, they can be shipped together," Rin piped up.

"You thought those were bad? I had to buy pizza for three whole weeks. _21 days._ I don't even like bell peppers that much! And that time where my hand got stuck in the vending machine getting chocolate? Those are just the weird ones! Shall we compare intimate ones? _Every_ single story out there is about Nozomi teasing me till I die. The one about summer was just one of the classic examples!" Eli lashed out.

The other 7 watched as the two usually level-headed girls ranted at each other, one not willing to do any more intimate stories and the other choosing to do intimate over horror. People really acted differently when desperate and those two were nothing if not desperate.

"I'm surprised you're not protesting along with the other two, Maki. Not going to complete the Soldier Game trio?" Nozomi teased, poking Maki's cheek.

"It's not like I really mind. At least I'm not paired up with Nico once again in this one."

"Oh? Would you rather be with Hanayo then? That gritted teeth confession was rather cute, I must say."

Maki flushed red and started sputtering, causing Nozomi's predatory grin to widen.

"So was the one where you braided her hair. Was that one of your favourites? Or do you prefer to be paired with Rin instead? Ah, what a popular choice you are, aren't you?" Nozomi egged on.

Lucky for the red haired girl, Nico chose this very moment to use her loudspeaker.

"Oh cut it out! Nothing can be worse than that story whereby we auctioned a date if it comes to romance. Let's just continue with this one. Everyone back into action! And no more complaints, Eli, or I'll revive that one where you had to act as a guy for the whole school term!"

Eli's heart sank as everyone shuffled to their respective places, all seeming to have no qualms about this current fanfic. Dread filled her as the zombies appeared again, inching towards her.

"SOMEONE SAVE ME!"

* * *

 **A/N**

 **You can really tell which characters I usually write huh. Also yes I'm aware that Eli stole Pana's tagline. But I wanted some form of Pana to be in somehow and tbh I really** ** _really_** **don't know how to write her.**

 **Anyway, for your reference, these are the stories mentioned, in order of appearance:**

 **1\. Soldier Wars by jstonedd -** **/s/11027401/1/Soldier-Wars**

 **2\. Feathers in the Sea by Woofemus -** **/s/10671177/1/Feathers-in-the-Sea**

 **3\. Changing Room Drabble by pasdechat -** **post/118912011481/heres-some-kotoumi-fluff-more-kotori-waited**

 **4\. Movie Drabble by pasdechat -** **post/117649961166/things-you-said-when-you-thought-i-was-asleep**

 **5\. Bell Peppers by silversheath -** **/works/3781999/chapters/8410906**

 **6\. Coincidental Meetings by me lel -** **/s/10701814/1/Coincidental-Meetings**

 **7\. Summer Tap by Woofemus -** **/s/10582120/1/Summer-Tap**

 **8\. Gritted Teeth Drabble by pasdechat -** **post/116765211931/makipana-things-you-said-through-your-teeth**

 **9\. Hair Playing by pasdechat - post/105584834416/maki-playing-with-hanayos-hair**

 **10\. Buy Your Love by jstonedd -** **/s/10866997/1/Buy-Your-Love**

 **11\. The Transfer Student by me again ope (This is on hiatus though)**

 **Please enjoy all of them! Thanks for reading this masterpiece of bullshit lel.**


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